When you listen to music, then better listen to it really loud, because if you don´t, then your head will make you remember all the things that heart your heart... Everything you are afraid to tell even yourself...
Everyone has things that they do´nt want to confess to them selfs... For example, I do´nt want to confess myself that I´m such a bitch that I´m lazy, that I hurt so many people, my soul is so dark, I try to scream to myself I´m beautiful even thought I hear my mind saying that I´m as ugly as hell, I try to believe that life will get better, even though it´s just getting worse, I try to believe that someday I will be beloved, that one day I´ll understand how to make everyone like you, how to see were is the limit, how to be in harmony with myself...
I remember I didn´t have this thoughts until ninth grade, until that time I didn´t repair at all that, I simply was an alone girl that read all time books, that liked to be alone, that didn´t worry at all on the opinions of the other people. I still remember the problems that time.. they were like a low grade or that I should have been 5 minutes ago home, when I look now to my past, I understand that it was so stupid to worry about that silly things.. that that was simply nothing comparing to other problems: when my friend ran away from home to be with her boyfriend, but some weeks after she had to ask her parents to get back because he told her to get out; that there are people that has to deal with home violence, that there are people starving, there are people that saw they´re parents dying.  All that people have real problems. Mine problems are comparing to their are nothing, write? I try so hard not to be selfish, but then I remember that my life may not be as bad as the dark life of others, but still, I want to be happy, I want to have a beautiful house, a good daughter or a son, a great husband, a work witch would make me say that I love Monday... But then I remember that for that I need to study really hard, I need to socialize, need to evolute, need to move my life forwards.. and that´s pretty hard.. but I´ll try.. because I want to believe that I am the person that draws the road of my life...
Just hope this is true... 

You know what really gets me? I went to high school and discovered that you may do´nt come to the classroom, and ask somebody else to sign for you.. but if the teacher afterward counts the amount of people in the classroom, compares it with the number of present students and discovers that somebody has signed for another person, then you´re completely fucked!! And this fuck won´t give you any kind of satisfaction!
In my classroom there are 3  lawsuits currently, and I´m in one of them... I can have an annotation about this in my curricular (like: OH MY GOSH!! SHE MISSED ONE LESSON!!! :O) or you can even go to the court... I really do´nt know what to do...

So many times I retrospect my life and want to change so many stuff... I´ve made so many mistakes.. But then my brain just laugh at me and says that then I would have another problems... Maybe I´m going crazy or something like that... Just hope that if I am, then I wont need to fight with all the shit that life keeps trowing at me -.-

I miss so much some people in my life.. need them so much... I like old friend, because they are the ones that really get me.. As for example, I have a friend of mine called Nastya that I like very much, but if I try to hide something from her, she´ll know it! So if I´ll have amnesia some day, I´m absolutely sure she´ll be able to tell me absolutely everything about me, including the stuff that even I would´nt know... I remember that every time I´ve tried to lie or to hide some information, she could see it at that exact moment.. She reads me just like an opened book. that is very scary, because everyone has it´s secrets.. some secrets that you simply ca´nt tell no one..

My secrets may seem triviay not make any sense to me.. and this is normal, because the dimension you see about these things depends on what you came trough, of your experience, of your lost, your achievement.. It depends on so many things.. but the most difficult is to understand the dimension of the other persons feeling... That is really difficult, and thats why many people just pretend to understand, just to make the other person think they are not alone, that there is someone else in the world that think the way you do... But the true is that if you really want to be understood and to feel really beloved and to feel that somebody really needs you, then get a good friend, because good friend will never cheat on you, forget you or just get new friends.. The real friends will always find time for you, to listen to you and they will always be with you, even if they are 150km away from you.

So... some days ago I´ve told about my experience about alcool... Why not talking about my experience about boys? Lets start by saying that I never had a boyfriend (or maybe had one.. for about 5 hours or something...).
Until 17 year I have never been kissed. Boys wouldn´t never even try to look my way. And that doesn´t surprise me at all: I simply panicked whenever I was too close to a boy. Still, I thought about meeting new people on line.. I thought it would be great to develop what I understood about boys... And it had it´s results: I´ve understood that the way I am is absolutely impossible to pool with relationships. Boys needed a lame girl that would roll in snot while saying how much you love and that you are thinking day and night about them... It simply was´nt for me, so that experience just made me sadder, because I could´nt say that I love someone so quickly!!
But still, one day, I met a boy on line which was pretty cool... And after speaking a long time, he asked me to go to a public place, just to get to know better.. Although it was the first time I would ever met someone I met on line, i still said yes.. why not? I was about to go to hight school and did´nt even kiss!!! So I went.. but what I thought it would be was really far from it were.
So, we met next to a supermarket, and had a walk.. long walk.. he was very nervous, oh, and he was funny and beautiful too :P. He took me to a hidden place and we continued talking.. I was sitting while he was walking from one point to another... Then asked me about the kiss I´ve owed him (When we said goodbye on the interned, he send me a kiss, and I did´nt send him one, I´ve told I would give him one when I would be with him xD). Anyway, the true is that I was nervous too, so I´ve simply changed the conversation (I´m pretty good at it muahahha!!), but after a while he repaired and asked me again.. then asked me if I would be able to do the first step.... but I said no, so he simply get closer to me and I´ve saw it like a movie.. everything was so painfully slow that I could´nt continue waiting, and simply kissed him.. a simple, fast kiss. But, the worst part is that after this I´ve laughed....  and that confused him very much, he even asked me what happened. I said it´s simply because I was very nervous, and kissed him again, this time much longer.. he was a great kisser, but we were there for too long... I remember I´ve looked several times to the watch, because I wanted to get home earlier that my parents. I said I needed to go home, he asked me to stay with him just for some more minutes.... I thought why not? and stayed.
But the true is that he wanted much more from me... and that I could´nt understand (I´m a virgin, and I would never think about it!!!). He started to slowly trying to take off my shirt, but I said no (I would´nt have sex in such place, whit someone I did´nt know enough, it simply was´nt write!). He said he just wanted to touch... So I´ve though: I went there just because I wanted to get some experience.. this was experience too.. and I would continue being virgin.. so... why not? :P
The continue I can´t explain... but the true is that I liked it a lot, and I was home earlier then my parents :)


The second boy I´ve met at bus stop... we talked a lot.. and after some days we went out together. We kissed too, but after a while I understood I wanted to go simply go home and do´nt say a word to him... so I did it. P.S. this was about 3 days after my first kiss... And it was still summer holidays.


The third boy I met while I was going on a small boat with a friend of mine, his boyfriend, and that boy. That was about 2 days after the last boy. We were going to the middle of the river to catch some sea stuff to sell it later. The plan was to swim while they are working, then go to a park, have dinner and go home. The plan looked really simple, but there were a problem: I´m intimidated about my body... and I did´nt want to anyone see it...
Anyway, the boys found a good place, stopped the boat, and jumped into the water. After that, okcana (the girl) looked at me and asked me why I still had´nt take out the dress (she was already only in the swimsuit), so I took it off, but immediately after jumped into the water... They were really surprised, because normal girls would get into the water in 5 minutes or even more...
But the reason why I did it was to not show my body... not to tell that I´m ugly... I realize I have great shapes (It´s what I hear many times), but I was´nt very happy with my body... I wanted to get slimmer (that part does´nt matter to me anymore.. I started to like myself just the way I am), but there were something I really hated about my body : stretch marks on my chest... and that was really frustrating, because I had big boobs, but because of the stretch marks, I since 15 years old I never used cleavage.
Anyway.. after a long swim, I tried to get in the boat, but I could´nt, it only seemed very easy, the true is that you need a lot of muscles to get in. So they had to push us inside... I understood that then they would see all my body, but  I´ve thought that what the heck?? If they want to see, then let them see, I am not that type of girl which would let they´re scare to control the situation!!! That´s why when he pulled me out, I´ve was just standing for about one minute, so that they could see me from all the angles, and then finally sat down with my towel around me... I remember that then I was sooooo happy for having my soft towel there. That was true love between me and the towel :P. While we were still at the boat I asked okcana how I looked, and surprise: I looked great, and there was no sign from the stretch marks (yap, sometimes they are invisible, but not always.. why????). But that was already wery good for me :).
After, we went to the park, write after passing at some stores to buy food and drinks (and hearing a boy trying to flirt with me, which made the friend of the boyfriend of okcana jealous). There, we had a great talk, after I was kissing with him (I do´nt even remember his name... ) I said we needed to get home and sanded up, but he several times pushed me down, which was very irritating. After a while, we went inside the car and started going home, but when I´ve got home, i realized I had a hickey on my neck.. The next day I´ve broke everything with him.

The fourth and last for the summer I´ll tell in another day.

Ok... What the hell is happening with me? Just some months ago I were that freak girl that you don´t know at all. That girl would never know many people, smile many times , get drunk and just act normally.... Well, everything has it end.
How about talking about my use of alcohol? Only at 17 I first tried beer. And to tell you the true I didn´t like it at all... it had a terrible taste and was just awful. The second time I drunk were at a friend´s party. I still was well... The only "drunk" stuff I did was getting out of the party without my shoes because the were too tight lol. After this two experiences I went to hight school. There I drunk maaaaaany alcohol, but still I always remembered everything!
But there was one week I went to a boy´s house (jonny) to make a group work of anatomy with another girl (suzi). As at a usual work, we didn´t make anything at all. We simply divided the work, lunched (me and suzi just ate lettuce :P), watched some movies (me and suzi layed on jonny while being on the sofa- lucky jonny :P), and thought about going to suzi´s house to have dinner (the time passed really quickly), I said I would go, but I needed to go home to speak with my parents on skype because they wanted to speak with me every night :( .... Anyway, we went to my house (it´s a residence, so no boys are allowed officially in my room...), I spoke to my parents, and we wanted to get out of there, but then we were caught by the guard witch probably fought about something like an orgy... It was really embarrassing, but I explained the situation, said I didn´t know about that rule (what a nagle lie xD), and we got out of there.. I just hope that guy doesn´t remember me...
So we bought something to drink (sangria, gin and vodka), went to suzi´s house, and we had dinner (tattie, suzie´s roommate were there too. At 1 am. our godmother (this is a hierarchy of the school... anyway, she is superior to us, so we must respect her and what she says), called us and told us to go say goodbye to our grandparents (they are the godfathers of our godfathers). We said no because it was too far away from home. So our godmother found someone that was the less drunk and could take us there... This person were our godfather bruno. He drunk a lot, but could drive.. strange, isn´t it?
Anyway, we took our "sweet, good, water" with us and get in the car. When we arrived there, I told we have gin. So we drunk all the bottle write next to the parked car. I already couldn´t walk very well, so I told suzi to take care of me, ant to walk I asked jonny to help. so he put a arm across me and we walked to the restaurant meet our grandparents.
Next think I remember is that I was kissing Jonny (uau, naughty me :P), ant I was kissing write in front of all my superiors... it made some consequences (freshman are not allowed to kiss or fuck), but, anyway, I told suzi that we need to go home. We started walking. I dont´t remember anything after. I just know I woke up on a sofa next to suzi, tattie was in the other sofa. The boys (bruno and jonny) were in separated beds in other rooms. So I went there to wake up them. we went to the living room and just stayed there.
On one sofa there were tattie and jonny making out, and other sofa there were suzi, me and bruno (in this order). Then suzi told me the rest of the night: While jonny went peeing (about 2 minutes) I started making out with bruno.... Oh, and I marked them bought: jonny has a bruise on his lower lip; bruno has a wound on his upper lip.. I think it means that I´m some kind of gross... I mean, yeah, I do like to do a little bite on the lip while kissing, but for god sake!! to do this injuries??
Anyway, on our sofa, I starded to make a massage to suzy, while bruno made a massage to me.. but.. I think it wasn´t simply that because at some time he started to massage my tommy (he was behind me and we were laying down on the sofa.. just to make you understand the situation ;) ), well. while he were massaging it, he really exited me... so I started to move a little bit.. I were like chafing at that place... ant he liked it for shure, because if he wouldn´t like it, then he wouldn´t do it soooo many time xD
Well, I had some opportunities to make out with him again (that would be fair because none of us remember how we kissed.. I just remember saying he tasted really sweet :P), he looked at me like he really wouldn´t mind to, but I cut off all that times... He was one of that boys that could kiss anyone he wanted, so I wanted to cut off that reality!
After a couple of hours bruno gave me a ride home.. but I was so much nervous (my parent phoned me several times!!), that I din´t even thank him... Maybe that´s why from that time he speaks so bad to me (we met some time after)... Well, no that kind of really bad, but he made many stupid jokes... some of them really hurt.. but everyone around said he was just kidding, so I laugh, even-thought I wanted to simply go home and cry.. why can´t some people simply understand that they can hurt me?
To avoid this asshole I simply tried to forget him... No good results until now... Hope I will get better, because until now it had always result, it must result now too, write???

You know what I just remembered? Of course you don´t know... But, anyway, I remembered some things I used to do with my friend.. just to laugh...

Well.. One of that was when I and Anastacia where at a bus.. and we saw such a pretty boy... He was absolutely gorgeous.... Then I heard Ana saying "Oh he´s so beautiful!". She said it really loudly.. So did I: "Yeah, hes gorgeous!" - "I want one like this" - "I bet he´s really soft!"... And so we continued saying stuff like that.. The boy of  course started to smile.. and after a while he tried really hard to not start laughing.. (we were looking DIRECTLY at him!!) And  when  he was already laughing, I said: "I need to buy exactly that cap!! Lets go shopping tomorrow Ana because I need exactly that type of cap!!" The guy of course could not help it and started laughing in the bus.. we laughed too xD

We often like to make this stuff.. of course sometimes the boys have some very good answers to embarrass us.. but it makes this game just more interesting...

Well... So I decided to make a diary... It´s not really the first time that i decide to make such a stupid use of time... but.. why don´t try?
To start, lets tell all you people that i´m from Ukraine (No, it´s not a part of Russia :p). I´m 17 years old and I´m some kind of crazy or something.. oh, and  I still do not understand myself.

Well.. let´s start of the beginning... My childhood was very happy. I used to have excellent grades, I had two cousins, grandparents, parents, friend, some animals... everything a child would ever want (of course I mean the children of the past, because the children nowadays just want i pods, TV, computer games... just electronic... its very sad in my opinion). As I was saying, I had all that but my parents wanted more, so they moved to Portugal, and as was only 5 years old, I couldn´t say that I wanted to stay (It wouldn´t matter nobody anyway).
And thats why I´m now in Portugal...

I moved from to school to school every 3 years.. always because of different causes, but in any school I was the girl that couldn´t fit anyway.. I was always the strange fat girl... Year after year I heard all that stuff.. As I changed schools, I made new friends (usually 2 or 3), and just thought: When will this shit finish???
And so it did finish.. almost... at 15 years old I changed school again... And.. surprise!!! there was nobody calling me fat and so on. It made me so happy... But then the other part.. me being strange was still on.

I would not say I was really strange... I simply was´t that false type of girls that smile to everyone, and try to look like an angle in the yes of everyone... I simply couldn´t  pretend to be somebody like that... I was the girl that you could tell any secret, but I didn´t go out very much.. didn´t have with who...

At the 11 grade many thing changed.. to start, a very good friend of mine, Anastacia, started to go to the same school that I did, I had I friend that was a boy (I have some difficulties to speak to a boy...), but I still didn´t have my first kiss...

But I was already happier... I knew I had friend to support me anytime I would even need. So I started to me more oppened to people, and it did hurt a lot because many of them just hurted me.. but I still got up of my knees, because no one cares about you if you´re depressed. They just make it look like they care, but in they´re head´s it sounds more like.. when will be the best opportunity to get the fuck out of here???

Sooooooo... I guess the apresentation is over xD